Concise Actions, Stronger Words & More

[Flimerus]

Original Post: https://forum.ls-rp.com/viewtopic.php?f=63&t=674894 https://forum.ls-rp.com/viewtopic.php?f=63&t=674894
Credits: Mia @mia
About This Guide

I wanted to share some writing tips I’ve learned over the years. This guide was written for everyone, whether you’re an experienced writer or a novice. It can be used as a reference for improving both your writing and your role-play.

 

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Concise Actions

Nobody likes to read lengthy actions. Actions should be to the point. Instead of describing every action in excruciating detail, try to break it down as short as possible.

Examples:

Jane picks up her fork, cuts a piece of her steak, raises it to her mouth, and takes a bite. ✗

Jane eats her steak. ✓


Jane gets out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, lights her cigarette, raises it to her mouth, and takes a puff. ✗

Jane smokes a cigarette. ✓


Jane searches her pockets, takes out her wallet, pulls out some money, and hands it to the cashier. ✗

Jane pays the cashier. ✓


We already know how to eat a meal or smoke a cigarette. We don’t need to know every action within an action. Avoid being too wordy.

 

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Unnecessary Actions & Descriptions

Role-playing absolutely everything your character does can bog down your chat. Not every action or detail has to be written out unless it’s absolutely necessary to the scene. This goes hand-in-hand with being concise with your role-play.

Examples:

Peter kicks his feet into motion and leaves. ✗

Just leave, Peter. You don’t need to write it out unless you’re making a point of it.


Peter drives a 2018 Ford Mustang GT with leather seats and performance-pack wheels. ✗

Peter drives a new Mustang. ✓

We don’t need to know the exact year, model or features of your character’s car.


Jane has double-D breasts, a big ass, a tiny waist, and long, platinum blonde hair. ✗

Jane shows off her hourglass figure. ✓

Jane tucks a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. ✓

Sometimes it’s okay to just say “Jane is a curvaceous blonde,” too.


Further down I explain when and how to use necessary description.

 

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Show, Don’t Tell

Many of us are guilty of “telling” instead of “showing” in our role-play. Sometimes we are too direct and literal with our actions. It’s lazy and leaves little to the imagination to the reader.

Examples:

Tina is drunk. ✗

Tina slurs her words. ✓

Tina staggers. ✓


Tina looks tired and hungover from partying all night. ✗

Tina has bedhead and bags under her eyes. ✓

Tina reeks of hard liquor and vomit. ✓


Jane thinks Adam is cute. ✗

Jane checks Adam out. ✓


Dorothy is old. ✗

Dorothy has a wizened face. ✓

Dorothy dodders with the help of a cane. ✓


Bianca looks sexy. ✗

Bianca wears a skimpy red dress. ✓


Howard has been a smoker for forty years. ✗

Howard speaks with a raspy voice. ✓

Howard shows his yellow teeth when he smiles. ✓


Tip: You can also “show” with dialogue.


Examples:

Dorothy is old. ✗

Dorothy says, “Back in my day, we didn’t have color TV.” ✓


Emily is angry at Frank. ✗

Emily says, “You’re a disgusting piece of shit, Frank! Don’t ever talk to me again!” ✓

 

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Stronger Words

Why walk when you can saunter, stroll, or amble? Why smile when you can simper, beam, or grin? There are much stronger words to use in your actions. You want to use stronger words to convey your actions in the most efficient way. But don't use just any synonym you find -- it needs to fit the situation.

Examples:

Dorothy walks like an old lady. ✗

Dorothy dodders. ✓

In this example, we want to show that our character Dorothy has trouble walking due to her age. Dodder, which means "to tremble or totter, typically because of old age," fits perfectly.


Note: Sometimes simple words are fine to use, like "Jane smiles." Would another word be more appropriate for your action? Use your judgment.


Tina looks at her boyfriend playfully. ✗

Tina meets eyes with her boyfriend and simpers at him. ✓

In this example, we used "meets eyes" to show a connection between the two characters, and "simper" -- which means "to smile or gesture in an affectedly coquettish, coy, or ingratiating manner" -- to convey her cute, playfulness toward him.

 

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Necessary Description

Occasionally, description is necessary to set the scene. This does not mean you should go over-the-top, though, like in the examples given above. You should be descriptive if you're trying to evoke a sense, make a point of something, et cetera.

Examples:

Lily's apartment reeks of cigarette smoke. ✓ (evokes a sense of smell, makes a point of Lily being a smoker)

Lily's car rattles and squeaks. ✓ (evokes a sense of sound, makes a point of Lily driving a cheap car)


 

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Redundancy & Other Unnecessary Words

You also have to watch out for redundancy and unnecessary modifiers. We want to write as concise as possible.

Examples:

Jack quickly speeds downstairs. ✗

Jack speeds downstairs. ✓

We removed "quickly" since "speeds" already implies quickness.


Heather accepts the free gift, an unexpected surprise from her boyfriend. ✗

Heather accepts the gift, a surprise from her boyfriend. ✓

A gift is always free, so "free" is not needed here. The same applies to "unexpected surprise" -- surprises are always unexpected, so we can omit that from our action.


Emma looks up at the ceiling. ✗

Emma looks at the ceiling. ✓

We removed "up" because where else is a ceiling?


Emma sits down on the floor. ✗

Emma sits on the floor. ✓

Again, where else is the floor?

Last edited by Mia on Mon Jun 18, 2018 5:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.